Act Two In The Making

Denise Cornell, November 2019, Austin, TX

Hi Friends,

It’s been a long while since I’ve had anything to say here. It feels good to be back.

Last November I performed my first original storytelling script, Just As I Am. Someday I’ll publish it or post the video, but for now it seems like the story needs to stay on that stage and with that audience.

And, whew!, that audience…

Obviously I knew I’d be telling my story to a live audience, but I never considered our interaction would go beyond me on stage and them – out there. So, I was completely caught off guard when during intermission two women introduced themselves and wanted to talk about my story as we were waiting in line for the bathroom. And I didn’t expect a small group of people would be waiting to speak to me after the show. Even now, writing this, I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me. But I distinctly recall the bearded man who said, “I thought I was the only one” and the tall, chic young woman in the white dress who looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks as she whispered, “Thank you” then asked if she could hug me.

As I spoke with each person – maybe 7 or 8 folks – I found it increasingly difficult to stay focused on the conversations because I was fighting off a primal urge to flee the building.  

And that’s weird for me because I kind of like the spotlight.

My mistake was thinking this was a performance, with a clear separation of stage and audience. I didn’t understand that personal stories demand to be shared, not performed. They are conversations. I’d gotten the first part right: tell the story. But I wasn’t prepared to stand shoulder-to-shoulder and have the conversations. That was a different kind of spotlight. Without the separation and distance and safety of the stage, I felt exposed.  

Maybe that’s why I’ve been away for so long. Maybe I’ve needed space to prepare for the next time.

Yes, next time.

Because that story was just the beginning — Act One of what I believe will be a three-act, one-woman show. Now, I’d like to go on record as saying I have no idea what that really means, but I’m curious enough and brave enough to follow the creative call wherever it might lead.  

Act Two

A couple weeks ago I got the first whispers of where we’re headed as the first fragments of Act Two tumbled onto the page. I hadn’t set out to write them, but the moment the words hit the page, I knew.

I’ve never shared raw, incomplete beginnings before. Why would I? It makes no sense, logically or creatively. Yet, that’s exactly what I’m about to do. Maybe I need the public accountability? I don’t know. There’s no real explanation other than I learned a long time ago to obey the muse.

So, here we are.

The first nuggets of Act Two.

I let myself sit with those truths…acknowledged the trauma instead of diminishing it…let myself take credit for fighting my way out instead of dismissing the work and the courage it required.    

Seeing the story for what it was – crumbs disguised as cake. Chasing approval and acknowledgment. Striving for some glimmer of validation.

I couldn’t have predicted the specifics, but I could have scripted my response with amazing accuracy. And I almost proved myself right.

Almost.  

That tinge of indignation and the “how dare you” rising in my throat.

I caught it.  

And paused.

In the pause, I found the answer.

Finally.

And I remember thinking to myself, “This is what it feels like to choose yourself.”

I know the story will continue to unfold in its own way and in its own time. My job is to be ready to shepherd it in.

I’m up for that.
 

XOXO,
Denise

First published September 2020